It must run in the family

So, I finally went to DMV today to get my Oregon license. I showed the lady at the counter my passport, VA driver's license, birth certificate, SS card, two utility bills and the neatly "typed" out application for a license. She took my $5 check, entered a bunch of info into her terminal, turned the monitor toward me and asked me to check spelling, etc. that she had processed. Just as I was thinking how easy the whole process was, she looked up and sighed, "oh dear, there is a problem."

I think that those are the last words that anyone ever wants to hear from a public servant. Coming from a DMV lady, it was terrifying even if she wasn't. She kindly explained that the state of Colorado had listed me on the National Motor Vehicle Registry as having a suspended license. Right there -no kidding- I was able to feel my blood pressure jump. A little flush to the face, a faint ringing in the ears, the eyes were a little teary and the room turned just the faintest shade of red. I wonder if someday I'll make the front page of the Oregonian or the 6 O'clock news for not being able to swallow the rage back.

I muttered something not quite as under my breath as I should have about the lousy bastards who can't do a goddamned thing right and then quickly apologized to the alarmed looking DMV lady. I asked her for as much info as she had, which included a ticket number from Kansas and a phone number in Denver.

I went out to the car and called CO DMV pronto. At this point I need to do a little explaining. In December 2000 I flew from Germany back to Colorado to attend my hooding ceremony and pick up my lovely dog Hannah. Due to cold weather, I could not fly back to Cape Cod where the family was gathering for Christmas. The only way to get Hannah and me to the Cod for Christmas was to drive a rental. On December 20th I left Denver international airport in some American sedan that was completely unremarkable accept for its big motor. Four hours later I was getting pulled over by Kansas trooper who cut me a real break on the speeding ticket he gave me. I was doing at least 100 mph...the roads were empty and the weather was supposed to be getting bad later in the week...and I was in rush to get home for Christmas,

When I got back to Germany, I put off paying the ticket -I was flat broke- and eventually forgot it altogether. Forgot it until it was time to renew my CO license in May 2005 and got denied for having a suspended license. Thankfully by that point I had a German license, which even more thankfully is legal for driving in Uhmerica. I immediately tracked down the ticket and paid it. In September of 2005 I received a "notice of withdrawal of suspension" from the Thomas County Court. A call to the clerk in Thomas County KS and the CO DMV. Both groups assured me that the info would be shared and my record would be corrected. Six months later upon moving back to the USA, I applied for and received my Virginia driver's license. No mention of Colorado, Kansas, speeding tickets or suspended licenses. Although the VA DMV did punch a big hole in my CO license, but they do that to everyone I guess.

Now, we can go back to the call to the CO DMV this afternoon. I got through to a live person after 17 minutes on hold, which was quicker than the 20 minutes that the recording had indicated. No complaints there. The second person with whom I spoke explained that the CO DMV had not received information regarding my payment from Thomas County KS and that my license was still suspended. The women informed me that it is standard procedure for KS DMV to notify CO DMV when a fine has been paid and that not such record existed. She also told me that I would need to pay the fine in KS and then apply and, naturally, pay for reinstatement of my CO license. I told her I didn't want or need a CO license and she told me to call Kansas. She also gave me the same telephone number that I got from CO DMV back in 2005. Calling the telephone number this time yielded the same result it had back in 2005 - a recording blaring in my already ringing ears that the number had been disconnected. Luckily, by this point I was dazed and couldn't do myself, anyone or anything harm.

I still have all of my bills, bank statements and related notes for the past 10 years and I was able to find the correct telephone number in KS and the original "notice of withdrawal of suspension." The states of CO and KS were done for the week by time I found the relevant info, so, I will be drafting a cordial and respectful letter to the CO DMV requesting immediate attention to this matter that of their oversight that is jeopardizing my livelihood.

In the meantime I am wrapping up this little rant with the following thought.

The state governments of CO, KS and OR were able to communicate very effectively to each other that at some point I did indeed have a suspended license. In doing this they are also very effectively able to hinder me from obtaining document that is critical to my ability to function in American society. The state governments of CO, KS and OR are, however, either unable or unwilling to effectively communicate to each other that I have "made good" and paid my debt. Even more infuriating is the fact that I, a private citizen, have an official interstate document in my possession that the state of CO should have, but claims to have no record of.

Is it a conspiracy? I doubt it. These fucking morons couldn't conspire their way out of a wet paper bag.